You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
