The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
