dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
