You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
