Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
