No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
