btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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