That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
