There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
