i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
