if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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