I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
