The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
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Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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