he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
