Ketchup is God's man juice
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
