Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
