I think I won the penis lottery.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
