Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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