Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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