Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
