arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
