you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
