final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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