I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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