I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
