please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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