yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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