I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
