The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
