Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
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I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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