What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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