We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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