I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
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rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
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He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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