i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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