so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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