I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
