I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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