I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I will die if light touches me.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
