i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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