She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
