He asked to "fluff my boner.."
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
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the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
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That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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