I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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