alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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