boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
