in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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