We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
