So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
