Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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