Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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