We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
