did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
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