As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
