Got a toothbrush?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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