Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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